Friday, June 4, 2010

Fog.

Some days, for no seeming reason at all, it feels like I'm walking through a very foggy space. The fog is composed of valiant anxiety and palpitating angst. Tears threaten. But I don't know why. Just. Don't. Know. Uncertainty, tinged with desperation, also mingles in that fog. I can't see it, but I feel it. Heavy. Damp. Slightly dark. I can't see much. But my feelings heighten...when that fog descends, I simmer in doubt and unease.

I wonder, on days like these, like today, if this is a new iteration of my depression. Because I've lived with this for so long, I've gotten really smart and aware about the symptoms and how I need to live to achieve balance. But is my depression like a super-resistant bacterial strain that keeps morphing to ensure its existence?

This time, this foggy, damp time, occurs simultaneously with a glorious, geranium-filled June day. Huh. I just don't get it. No. Answers. So, I will trudge through the fog and know that it has a purpose. But I will grab a flashlight. A light to illuminate the necessity of this time, which will parlay into the next. The next more seasoned, more enlightened time.

13 comments:

Kristen @ Motherese said...

Oh, Denise, I know this feeling so well. And I think your fog metaphor is a perfect one.

I actually found myself driving last night through a nearly impenetrable fog. I had met a friend for dinner and was driving home when the fog overtook me. My first instinct was to put on my brights, but, of course, all that did was reflect light off the fog back into my eyes making it even harder for me to see. The only solution was to go slowly and to keep my eyes focused on the part of the road I could see.

And now, thinking about your post, I realize that the metaphor extends to how I deal with bouts of depression: I often try to shake myself out of them - clicking on my existential brights - but that doesn't help at all. I just have to plod through, keeping my eyes on the part of the road I can see.

Here's to a parting of the clouds.

xo

Denise said...

Oh Kristen, your words parted my clouds. Thank you for your knowing words yielding a big, warm cyber hug. "Clicking on my existential brights"--so powerful. Thank you.

ModernMom said...

your words are haunting and I believe have helped me understand a bit better what a good firned is dealing with right now. Hoping your fog lifts a bit day by day...:) Hugs

Aging Mommy said...

Hi Denise, as someone who is a work in progress with regards to finding my way back to happiness I totally understand your feelings. Most days now are good days, but some are not. I am not sure if those feelings ever completely go away, you just have to as you say, keep doing the things that you know will help you get back out of the fog and be able to enjoy that sunny day.

joely said...

I know this may sound counter intuitive when you are feeling depressed but give it a shot, you have nothing to lose. Go and do something nice for someone who is needing it, make them smile. It will make you smile and it will make you like yourself, which is really what you need to remind yourself. Life is mess at times, and sometimes it will be difficult to breath. But remembering what it feels like to make someone smile can be enough sometimes just to take the edge off. And once the edge is taken off you will see things a little more clearly and the fog will lift up a bit.

GlowinGirl said...

I struggle with anxiety. Just had to write about it the other night (though I'm not posting until Monday). But I understand that uncertain feeling. Community helps -- family, friends . . . . and My flashLight. I hope your out of your fog soon.

alita said...

I get anxiety and if I feel a panic attack coming on I have a few tricks up my sleeve to talk myself out of it (not so easy in my 20's though) it is odd, and I think you described it perfectly. Is it a new strain trying to survive? Weird. But I hope that you get past your fog soon. That feeling is so... stifling.

ck said...

I know that feeling so well. Sometimes it stops everything good I'm experiencing so quickly that I can fight through it. And other times, it creeps so slowly that I don't notice it until an entire day has passed and I've been miserable to my kids.

I hope your fog passes soon.

Lindsey said...

I know this feeling well, as I imagine you know. Sending lots of love- xox

anymommy said...

I don't know depression from personal experience, but I feel the pain and confusion of it when you write about it so well. Maggie Dammit once wrote a post about how the world lost its color when her depression fell and she couldn't even remember what it looked like with colors. I have close friends who struggle with depression and I always think of her post, and I'll think of your writing too, when I want to just be able to do something to make it better.

I hope writing helps to part the fog a little.

Christine said...

Seems as thought many of us can relate. I've never been very good at at shaking it when I descend into my own fog. I do a whole lot of crying that's for certain, and sometimes just let the rawness of the emotion take hold, flood over me and get out helps. But sometimes I just want to physically strip it off of me in desperation. Because it gets so tiring doesn't it.

Hugs to you my friend, know that we are are here for you, however you need us.

Theta Mom said...

I think many of us can relate and throw in the responsibilities of life and motherhood and the fog thickens.

Sending your hugs...

Denise said...

Thank you to all of you for your thoughtful, warm-comments. Luckily the fog lifted. Bright skies. Bright heart.