Tuesday, April 20, 2010

An Open Letter to Evolution

Dear Evolution,

I know that you're busy, with the evolving species and confounding societal and environmental impacts and all, but I need to bend your ear about this one thing...

As much as I love and appreciate the miraculous tenacity of my female reproductive system, and as eternally grateful as I am for the wondrous gifts it delivered to my life (named Abby and Henry), I respectfully submit some revisions to the female body.

1. PMS--delete.

Honestly, was that part of the grand plan?
Bloating? Unstoppable, voracious need to consume vast amounts of dark chocolate, salt and grease? Bags of potato chips consumed in 5 minutes? Raging, uncontrollable hormones, sending rightfully frightened husbands and children cowering into shadowed corners?

2. Four decades of menstruation? Truncate it, dear Evolution.

Seriously? 40 to 50 years?
I know, I know that women in some long-forgotten time started having children when they were 11, 12, 13 years old. But then they only lived to the ripe old age of 36. Come on... let's bring the female body into the 21st century. I started this journey at 11. I'm 37. I've got somewhere around 15 to 20 more years of periods and PMS. And my reward? The menopausal years. Geesh. Seems to me there's an opportunity to revise and create a more just and pleasant female journey. Some inventive body part, perhaps, that delivers the necessary hormones (in appropriate doses, see above) without having to deal with menstruation anymore. Maybe you could re-purpose the appendix?

So, my dear, impressive Evolution, as you're fine-tuning the awe-inspiring female body, would you please consider my submissions? My waistline and sanity thank you in advance. (As does my husband.)

With love and admiration,