This week. Oh this week. I haven't experienced a week like this in some time. The emotion descended quickly. I didn't see it coming. Sad. Tumultuous. Questioning. Doubting. Wondering. Tears. Frustration. Impatience--they all arrived at once. I think the collision of emotion stems from my soul-searching and public admission . It's hard to remember while experiencing their wrath that the emotions always serve a purpose. The bold, raucous fears, worries and questions can, hopefully, guide to truthful insight and deeper understanding.
During the oh-so-fun week, I read two of my favorite bloggers. (I read them every week--almost every day). And not surprisingly, I found words that soothed, lightened my load and shifted my perspective.
I measure a successful blog post by the number of people reading and commenting on it. When I write something that generates little comment, my ego and I get bummed out. Sad, a bit embarrassing, but true. Then I read a post at Theta Mom that stopped me in my self-deprecating spiral. Heather wisely wrote, "measuring your worth against these numbers? Well, that’s when it becomes self-defeating." Heather decided instead to focus on delivering meaningful words on her blog (and she does so gracefully). I realized how much energy I'd expounded on worrying about my numbers. Thank you, Heather, for taking me back to my origins and reminding me why I write this blog.
And then Lindsey at A Design So Vast further permeated my sorrow with these words, "The veil of our glorious, ordinary lives can be pierced, for good or for bad, in every second. Which just brings me back to the same persistent theme that tugs at me every time I sit down to write: what we have is this. Right now. And only this." Tears streamed as I read Lindsey's sage, thoughtful and spot-on words. Right now. And I thought: what am I going to do with right now?
After the first good-night's sleep I've had all week, today I awoke sleepy, but brighter. I think the bevvy of emotions left for their next destination. I felt lighter...and wiser. What a glorious feeling to actually sense the winds as the shift occurs. Right. Now. That's what I've got.
In commemoration of the end of a brutal week, and my resulting clarity and insights, I decided to celebrate the ordinary and small divinities today. I actually brushed my teeth AND washed my face before I drove the kids to school this morning. I chose to snack on a peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat bread instead of chips and french onion dip. A new, working refrigerator now sits in my kitchen. (Thank you, dear hubby, for your tenacious research and quick turn on this purchase.) I didn't dole out ONE punishment before school. I have food, water and shelter. The tree outside my bedroom window proudly displays her fresh, fledgling leaves. I'm brainstorming fun ideas for the girls' campout we're holding in our basement this weekend. A lovely candle's flame inspires as I write. I am here. Right. Now.
ps: In the end, the chips and dip won out. But hey, I am celebrating after all...