Thursday, June 2, 2011

Carry On

I'm so persnickety--a bag of contradictions and nuances. So many thoughts rush, stop and course through my head lately. Nothing too notable, nothing too monumental. Just idiosyncrasies and minutia rolling like waves through my brain.

And so, in no particular order, I give a partial list of Me:

1. I am a neat freak. Clutter and messes can actually paralyze me. And since Murphy's Law likes to prevail, I live with three, lovely, wonderful, lovable NON-neat-freaks. (This morning, hubby called and asked what I was doing. I told him I was cleaning so I could write. He was definitely not surprised.)

2. I compare myself to others too much. Wondering why they can get so much done in a day, or write so many blog posts (ahem) and I can't. Wondering how she manages life with four kids so effortlessly and calmly while I stumble and bumble with two. I know that in the comparison game, there is no winner, just a stressed-out, paralyzed me haggardly sitting on the side of someone else's life. But it seems I like to torture myself. I am trying to stop.

3. When I get too caught up in my own thoughts (which happens more than I'd like to admit), I try to stop and say to myself,

All is well.
Breathe in. Out.
Just be.

I become grounded in the now.

4. Sometimes I am as slow as a drip of molasses. Ideas and questions must be left to simmer in my brain before I can give answers or direction. I find this infuriating! I see my friends (again, with the comparisons) who make rapid-fire decisions and I flood with envy. Why can't I??

5. Often I have to do push-ups before I can write.

6. I still struggle with depression. When in a depressive episode, I feel like I'm in a well. Sounds and actions waft down into my small space. It takes awhile for my thoughts and responses to form--my words travel slowly back up the damp, dark well walls. Normal synapse activity slows to a low boil, trudging through viscosity of my brain.

6. My children's art work adorns many rooms in our home. Always makes me way-down-in-my-soul happy.

7. My idea of a heavenly afternoon: surrounding myself with boxes of old photos, sifting through them all. Laughing and crying as the moments hop out of the photos and into my memories. (When at my mom's house, sometimes I'll disappear. My mom will find me, in the basement, hunched over and pouring over old albums.)

8. I go to bed each night with a huge tumbler of ice water.

9. I adore old items with memories attached to them. For instance, my wedding band was created from my husband's great Aunt's wedding band. When I rub my finger over the small, pave diamonds, I love the feel of their unsymmetrical, imperfect topography. It seems like I can unlock years of lingering real history--the stories untold--which each pass of my finger tip. Fights. Hopes. Reconciliations. Sunscreen. Dinner. Tears. Sunlight.

10. Some random things that make my heart sing:

The melodic rustling of the wind over leaves
McDonald's French fries and magic diet coke
Just-out-of-the-tub hugs from my kids
A crisp flag on a slight breeze

A sunny perch to contemplate whatever begs for contemplation

12. I am an imperfect, average mother. Each day, I try to embrace this. Each day, I try to see the good in what I do. Each day I fail, and succeed. This gem greets and grounds me each time I leave my office:
So I'm off. Keeping calm and carrying on.


Kristen @ Motherese said...

I love learning these tidbits about you - the ways in which we're alike and the ways in which we're different. Our biggest similarity? Trying hard not to live in the comparative register. No good ever comes of it, I find, but it's like a drug that I find hard not to take.

Our biggest difference? I can't do a single push-up. :)

Pamela Hunt Cloyd said...

Oh my gosh - you could have been writing about me. (Except for the push ups. I hate push ups).

Yay for writing! I too compare myself to everyone and lament that I have no time to write .... even as I am watching Grey's Anatomy ...

Elizabeth said...

I just started following your blog not too long ago and your recent post resonates with me on such a deep level. Thank you for being so open and honest....I especially love your comment about the "magic diet coke". I couldn't agree more....

Christa said...

I just love you and your pushups and Diet Cokes and bumpy ring and all. And especially when you are down there in the well. I lived in the bottom of a volcano for a very long time, on and off.

Thanks for the lovely tour of the brain de Denise...


Anonymous said...

We are so very alike in so many of these things! I have to clean to write too. I have a whole process for getting set up, and creating the perfect environment. I'm just to move beyond it, after reading The Right to Write (have you, you must!), I realize it's just a crutch for me. And sitting on a porch just thinking, that is my bliss, my heaven.


blueviolet said...

You are sentimental, and now I'm already attached to you in a healthy way (don't be skerred), because I am soooo sentimental too. And I take forever to make a decision or do anything. I think, rethink, ponder, self-doubt, redo, repeat. It's frustrating. I agree with you!

lisa adams said...

love you, my new friend.

Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri said...

I love this personal piece about your nuances. I often clean before I can write. And comparing myself to others? Lately it has been a theme. Glad we are not alone. Loved this post.

cynthia newberry martin said...

Wonder-full list post. Nice to meet you this way. Love the "keep calm and carry on" poster.