Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Suffused With Peace

In the meantime, the answer to every question really does seem to lie in letting go, settling into the long, spacious days and restful nights...and trusting that, for the moment, anyway, we are exactly where we need to be. Whenever I manage to do that, when I can give myself over to the moment at hand, I am suffused with peace. - Katrina Kenison, The Gift of an Ordinary Day

The last weeks have provided much fodder for my mind. A normal time, but not an easy one. Periods of change and transformation aren't necessarily my shining moments. Big swings of life's pendulum tend to render me weary, with uncertain footing. My kids change and therefore I, too, must change. Adaptable, pliable, flexible. I have to work hard to embody these things because often, I'm just curmudgeonly and happy in the ways of yesterday.

Katrina's warm, wise words above remind me. Guide me. Provide a beacon during this somewhat melancholy time of consideration and personal growth:

giving myself over to the moment can suffuse me with peace.

Especially the quotidian moments, the pedestrian moments, that pad my life with meaning:

During last's week deluge of, ummm, parental growth for me, this moment wowed me. There it was, patiently awaiting my attention. No bickering. No jockeying. Just peace. Peace, a fire, a book and a moment, predicated on the always-underlying connection and love Abby and Henry share.

Henry loves paper hats, made in the style of Pilgrims (I mean, didn't all Pilgrims wear hats made out of The New York Times?). His teachers made him one in school for Thanksgiving. He wanted one for his Orange Dog. So I said, "Sure, I'll make Orange Dog a newspaper hat." Henry was so overcome with happiness that he took many pictures of me making said hat.

As I continued to make Orange Dog's newspaper hat, Henry continued his photo shoot of many things. Peripherally, I watched him take up-close photos. Simple photos. Blurry photos. This one, of his snowman snow globe, well, its simplistic beauty and pure composition just threw all my bottled emotion into my throat. Tears gathered into the corners of my eyes. The snowman seems resolute. Strong. A bit lonely. Moving forward. Maybe even a bit sad. A metaphor of me.

And I remember. That melancholy moments can be tinged with grace, suffused with peace, sprinkled with seeds of possibility. I must give myself over to each moment. Every one. And the grace will await me.

(An aside: my Mom recently said to me that she senses an overriding theme of sadness in my posts. I believe that she's right...I do often write about the complexity of sadness, or of melancholy days. And I believe that I do so because although I experience many euphoric, joyful, happy and peaceful moments, those are easier to comprehend. It's the others, like those I dissect above, that sometimes confound and confuse me. And so, I write. To understand. To make sure, like Katrina says, that I give myself over fully to each moment. xo)


Anonymous said...

Be where you are.


addicted2shius said...

As long as you're there, you are a wonderful mom! Your children are blessed to have you. Don't let the stressed of parenting overcome you. I find the holiday season to even more stressful. Take the time to find your peace. And don't worry about blogging about your emotions. We, your followers, are here to listen and sympathize and to give you that extra oomph to keep going. (Not that your mom doesn't) but sometimes it's more well-received from an outside perspective :)

Katrina Kenison said...

Such a beautiful post. How I miss those days of children snuggled on a couch in front of a Christmas tree. My own Henry turns 21 in two weeks. Hard to be suffused with peace as I contemplate that moment . . .yet I'm trying to remind myself to do what I say!

Anonymous said...

In my own recovery I have been quite surprised by my ability to be mindful and the deep peace it is finally bringing me. It takes constant reinforcement through reading the words of people who inspire me, such as yours, and really just forcing my mind to stop. And it works. It really fills a person up with a joy that is rich.

Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities said...

I love this. Especially the honest, bittersweet embrace of the sadness that gilds all of our days. This is particularly wonderful: "And I remember. That melancholy moments can be tinged with grace, suffused with peace, sprinkled with seeds of possibility."