Monday, March 29, 2010

Heavy

Today has been one of those days. The kind of day where I both want to hug my children tight and run as far away from them as possible. The kind where I feel as if I am a huge, giant nerve, waggling in the breeze and when bumped, even ever so slightly, I recoil. And then pounce. It's days like these when I wonder why I was given the gift of children when their very existence (which sometimes includes tantrums, bellyaching and tears) sends me screaming to far corners of my house. (And, it's only the first day of spring break. God help me.)

Abby. Oh Abby. She is a hailstorm of volatility and emotion. I don't recognize her when the stark sassiness takes over her otherwise tranquil disposition. Her impudent body language wholeheartedly dismisses me. And I don't recognize myself when I respond to her edge. What starts as a slow simmer abruptly shifts to a coursing boil. Anger spews. I explode and lose my cool which, of course, renders me totally incapable of mothering or rational thought. Sigh.

Then Henry. He seems tired and carries a general sense of malaise these days. Today, in a flash of anger, he swiftly hit me while we were in a rainy parking lot. I simultaneously wanted to bawl and scream and hit him right back. Hubby witnessed the whole scene and spent five solid minutes spouting smoke from his ears...and punishing Henry. For 15 minutes following this exchange, Henry's lip quivered and he spontaneously broke into tears. My anger hangover lingered for hours. I'm still a bit melancholy...and heavy.

I realize that these days of challenge, introspection and doubt ultimately throttle me forward into a better sense of self and understanding. I will emerge a better mother. A stronger woman. But while I mire in the mishigas of my days, I wonder, somewhat impatiently, when my progression will take place. Will it be next Tuesday or 2015? Or, perhaps, was the shift imperceptible...and did it already occur? Why are these icky, ugly, soulful days necessary? Why does the journey include potholes and road rage?

Reflectively, I realize that my emotions serve as road signs, guiding me, nudging me on my path. They remind me of necessary recalibrations and resets. I pay attention and
open myself to new directions--for me and my children.

(Two hours later...)
PS: While putting the very endearing Henry to bed tonight, he asked if "bidults" (adults) cry. I assured him that we, I, do. He said that he cried today. That he was sad. And that next time, he would make a choice to listen to me in the pawking lot. Then, I cried, overwhelmed with sweet, sweet heartache and love. While putting the once-again-tender-sweet-and-inquisitive Abby to bed, she kissed me 27 times and said, "I just love you so much." Ditto, baby. Ditto.

8 comments:

Lindsey said...

Oh, Denise, I have SO been there ... I know the contradictory and confusing feelings of wanting to hug them tight and flee at the same time.
I hope day two of break is better!
xox

Denise said...

Thank you, Lindsey. Knowing we've all walked on this path helps. xo

Jeanne said...

Yet again your entry has left this bidult in tears. Like so many other times you speak from the heart and gut of so many mothers. I have had many days that you described and often feel such a heavy brick of guilt. . . .it is comforting to know that we are not alone in these emotions and we are all better for it.

Thanks for saying the things that too many of us are scared to admit.

The Mommyologist said...

We all have those tough days where we think we are at our wits end...I know I do!!

I've been trying to remind myself lately to be more patient, but sometimes that is hard!!

CaneWife said...

Those are the worst days. Here's to better and brighter ones ahead!

ModernMom said...

Oh how I have felt like I was trapped under that dark cloud! Wondering how I would ever do right by my girls, especially when one has my exact same temper and ummm stubborn streak! And then, they amaze me! Whether it be with their power of forgiveness, or their astonishment of a bumblebee and I know I am where I am supposed to be. Sometimes it is just one day at a time:)

Theta Mom said...

I am so with you on this one - I think as mothers, it's natural to go through these emotions.

And thanks so much for sharing some love on my SITS day. It truly was an amazing day!

I can't wait to get the opportunity to meet you in real life someday! ;)

Juliana said...

Denise-motherhood is the hardest job we will ever love. It is crazy no matter how difficult the day is, they say one thing or give us one look and we are reminded that this is the best thing we will ever have.